I never wanted to write this. I don’t know why anyone has to think this. I don’t know why some mummies have to go through so much pain and loss through grieving for their Angels. I don’t know why it takes some mummies so long, maybe years to recover enough to just get through most days with any normality. I don’t have any answers. No-one, not even a specialist counsellor helping people through their journey, not even a granny helping their daughter through grieving for a child and grandchild know what the pain, the loss, the confusion, the insanity, the emptiness feels like. Not even the husband or partner… the daddy… knows what it is like for the mother, no matter how close a bond they have, or sadly for some… had. It is only the Mummy of an Angel knows the searing pain and loss of a miscarriage, a still birth, a procedure gone wrong, exceedingly wrong!
This is a small snippet of my thoughts as a daddy, husband over the years since our Angel went to Heaven through what is called ‘miscarriage’ which is a haunting, horrible word. A daddy never gets much support. People came to me and asked: “How is your Wife doing? It must be hard for her? How is she coping?”. A lot of times I just had to walk away from them giving no answer as I was hurting so bad, more than that, I was broken. I was a daddy with no precious baby to hold. Ask me how I am, be a shoulder for me to hold onto and try to function enough to care for the mother of my Angel Baby! Allow me somewhere to be broken and cry warm salty tears of terror at what had happened to my Bride, physically, psychologically and spiritually.
This is my account of what I still remember. My wife sensing something is wrong. Going for a scan with doctors, Not finding a heartbeat this time. The excruciatingly painful wait for another Doctor coming, even though it probably wasn’t long. Realisation for me, quiet prayer with God for help as I know I need to be strong, somehow, for my beautiful, broken, Bride. The doctor seemingly telling us something, as his mouth is moving and looking at us, but I don’t hear anything on earth. My soul is crying out for Heaven to be with us in our most painful moment. The absolute and pitiful realisation I cannot do anything for my Bride. I cannot flex my muscles and shout for someone to do something. I cannot say anything that will help her. I am broken. I don’t know how I can leave this room…
My bride of 16 years will be reading this before it goes on-line, as we have learned to walk alongside our pain, but it is still there. We have had some very harrowing times since, although nothing, will ever come close to that moment of sheer uselessness for me. My Bride and I both had dreams in the months after, about our baby in Heaven, gender, looks, hair, and what they now look like, but never spoke them to each other for years. Even though we know our child went straight to Heaven and didn’t suffer the sheer evil in this world. We are Spiritual beings in a physical journey on earth, with all the emotions that brings. Even trying to write this now, it has taken so long, as I have stopped to Praise God for the opportunity to be with our Baby for so long in the womb, and also to mourn what might have been… Even in our moments, which God has allowed us to see through a glimpse in Heaven, we both knew the name of our child, separately; what a time of celebration when that one night, which was God’s timing, when our dreams and visions came together and we shared our experiences… tears of happiness and sorrow at same time. Respectfully, only we know these details as it is personal for my bride and I. The Holy Spirit inside of us as born again Christians is our comforter. I spend many nights looking at the moon and stars on my own, or with my Bride just thinking what if… but thankful that Heaven is home. I did not intend so write so much about God in this, and I am sorry if you do not believe. Sorry because he is a great Comforter and Healer. I found that Jesus was with me every step of our journey. Even some nights when I needed to walk the lonely country roads in the dark myself, shouting, crying or just wondering why, God was with me. It is impossible to write about my journey without God.
I did not want to write this, it is not easy for a man to admit these things, but my Faith in God is to follow where he leads me, and I’m afraid it has taken me years to write it. This is to encourage men, daddies, husbands, partners, granddads, brothers and sons to step up and be heard. We have the pain also. We may be men who think very differently to woman, but I can tell you from experience that woman appreciate our faltering attempts to walk alongside ladies in their harrowing, terrifying journey through the pain of not having that so much wanted and craved for child in their arms. Real men do cry. I am a tough biker man on the outside but soft as cotton wool on the inside. To have a soft heart in this cruel world is not weak it is courageous. Sometimes all I could do was hold my Bride in my arms, the silence said more than my words ever could. There is no script. There is no right thing to say. The right thing is to try. The right thing is to treat the daddy with respect and ask him how he is. Allow him somewhere safe to cry without thinking about upsetting anyone else.
As a counsellor I am privileged to help many people through their very tough times. I use what I learned about pain as fuel to push me forward. I can read people very easily, and can feel when they are going through painful times. It is a privilege which I do not take for granted. I will hopefully be setting something up soon for men who have not dealt with the pain this world throws up, including maybe a child no longer on this earth. A ripple of kindness can go a long way. If I can help a few men look at their pain head on, and help them through to the other-side, maybe they can then help more men, therefore the ripple has become a small wave. Mummies need all of their partners help to get through their painful times. If that husband, partner has not had anyone to help them through, they cannot help their lady with all of their ability. Please find a counsellor you can trust who will help you to look inward, a very difficult but very worthwhile process. My heart breaks for men who cannot find the safe place to look inside at all the crap that builds up inside in this world. Humans can be so disgusting and evil in this world and treat others like trash. We are not all like that. Ask God to show you someone who can help and trust he will, even if you don’t know whether to Believe in Him or not. Ask and wait. Try. He is the best thing you will have in life.
My Bride and I are very fortunate to now have a 12-year-old son and a 2-year-old son. Both very difficult journeys to have them. That is another story though. Maybe I will write that here someday. My bride and I are in this together for life, for better or worse. We have had some very harrowing times since, and are stronger together because of our first child who went straight to heaven. My Child is with me everyday making me a better husband and a better Daddy.
I am not that smart or educated, and I will never pretend this is excellent English or grammar. I just have a burning inside to help people through pain. I also wrote some words a few years ago through tears one night when I couldn’t sleep, for my first child who made me and my wife a mummy and daddy. It is immensely personal, and I thought no-one would ever read it but our family. It was never quite finished, until today when the few missing words were given to me in prayer and meditation. I take this as a sign to share it here. Also below it there is a song which has helped me and many others in our pain. Take care of yourself.